Introducing Eric

Sorry it's been so long since our last post but very little has happened bar moving continents and making a new, very special friend. Our last few days in Langkawi were a rainy affair interspersed with massages, aquariums and the loss of my beloved Birkenstocks (I'm still in mourning). We then moved back to Kuala Lumpur and soaked up some more Malay culture at the local water and theme park. It actually taught us a lot about Native American and African life as we rode the Tomahawk Death Trap and flew down the Congo Water Snake. That night at the hostel we met a fabulous Australian girl called Tammy, who collected us from our room shouting beer o' clock and asking for a high five - Ed immediately fell in love with her. Anyway she had been living in London and stated that Brits were actually bigger drinkers than Aussies - more on this later.

The next day we finally arrived in Brisbane and were transported to our salubrious accommodation for our stay in the city - The Sportsman Hotel - dive gay and drag show bar - how could we not stay there! This has been our base for two purposes - to party and to find a camper van. Sampling Brisbane's nightlife I have to say that Tammy you are just so wrong, we have never seen so many severely drunk people in our lives - literally off their heads at 7pm and still going at 5 in the morning. We couldn't keep pace so instead decided to put our efforts into the van search and my it's been a Matt and Ed epic of indecisiveness - along the way we have seen a camper van owned by an Aussie called Daniel, who managed to back it into a road barrier whilst showing us how well it handled and a van that Ed desperately wanted to buy just because it had an Irish flag on the front and was called Mitsi. Finally we went for a gas converted Ford Spectron which has a huge sunroof that we can lie under and watch the stars. We have named him Eric and so far he has been a pain in the arse, costing us money in repairs and finding out, that like us, he is a little bit different from the other vans, meaning all his spare parts cost a fucking fortune - but you know what, he's worth it cos we loves him! Currently we are parked up in Hervey Bay - waiting for a new upper control arm bush for Eric and have a whale spotting boat ride booked for tomorrow. In the meantime, here are some photos of our beloved Eric and my Ed:

The Door, The Date, The Debbie

Another inopportune moment, another chance to write a blog entry. This time we are locked in our beach hut. Seriously. We got up this morning to go on a mangrove safari and the door wouldn't open. I was stood in the window for an hour waiting until someone went by that we could shout to. I lie slightly as one person did go by, his name is Harries and I couldn't call out to him as we were somewhat rude to him the other day when he pestered us to go on one of his safaris. We've now been in here for two hours and have three people trying to break into our hut to let us out, it's absolutely Laurel and Hardy slapstick.

So I thought I'd fill you in on how my 'date' went. To Matt's great disappointment I managed to wangle my way out of taking her to the nightclub by explaining that I felt too unwell following the excesses of the previous night. She didn't seem too upset, no doubt because the humidity had once again caused great beads of sweat to pour down my face and onto my t-shirt. As I valiantly tried to wipe them away as inconspicuously as possible, she knew she'd had a lucky escape.

The nightclub we fell in love with at the start of the week turned out to be our short-lived new home due to the fact that Ramadan started on Wednesday and shut down for a whole seven days - they're so inconsiderate them Muslims! Our concern over where we might get a bevvy from during this period of fasting was promptly quenched by our trusted friend Debbie from the Irish bar, who told us that she would be staying open until 3am every night serving booze and food to the masses. That wasn't all she told us either. Debbie was married many moons ago to a man whom she had three children with. He turned out to be a nasty piece of work and so she left him. Steven, an Irish man who worked as a chef on the QE2 docked here one day and asked her where he was. She said "in Penang sir", he said "yes, but what country is that in?" (How very Irish). It was obviously love at first sight and so they got married and had a child together. Debbie had a car accident in which her right arm was sliced off. She opened up an Irish bar here in Langkawi with Steven cooking the food. Six nights ago she caught Steven having a threesome with two of her customers. Whoa there Debbie, all we asked for was two pints of beer. Debbie is a chain-smoking, continually-drinking, one-armed, Muslim Wonder Woman and, naturally, we love her!

They still haven't got our door open and Matt's just realized that if we're stuck in here all day then they won't be able to bring us any food as Muslims can't buy food or drink during the daylight hours of Ramadan - as you can imagine we're finding the whole scenario hilarious.

Anyhow, apart from listening to Debbie's life story we've also had to endure endless hours of sunbathing, swimming in the sea, walks along the shore at sunset and laying under the stars at night, so to cheer ourselves up we've decided to go to a spa tomorrow and have a full-body massage, body scrub, body wrap, facial and a bath in milk and flowers - hopefully we'll feel relaxed after that.

I guess if you're reading this then you know we have been released from the hut. It appears they are taking an angle grinder to the lock now. Brilliant.

(The sparks fly)

(Dramatic reconstruction)

Blind Date

Malays are some of the friendliest people I've ever encountered and our time in Panang proved to be no different. From Lowe, the owner of the hostel we stayed in, a Chinese man with very little teeth but a lot of charisma to Nadan, a blind Indian man who joined us one night when we were having dinner. After an hour of Nadan regaling us with tales of his life and telling some great jokes, he invited us to his 50th birthday party the next night. Having accepted, we then decided the next day that there were other things we wanted to do, Ed called to let him know, spinning a lie that I was ill. After the call we momentarily worried that he might spot us out that night until we remembered that given his disability, this was highly unlikely.

Spending only one full day in Penang we decided to head up Penang hill. Around 800 metres above sea level, it had some great views of the island and surrounding area. We topped off the trip with a canopy walk and more photo ops concerning remaining icons of the British Empire.

The next day we were heading to Langkawi, one of Malaysia's top paradise Islands, and were being picked up at 7 in the morning. Agreeing on an early night I headed to bed leaving Ed in the hostel reception watching the end of the England match. When I woke up at 5 in the morning and Ed still wasn't there I went to find him. In typical Ed style he had befriended a Dutch guy with a severe stammer and a 62 year old American woman, who was on Prozac and had the most impressive set of bingo wings I've ever seen. With a Tiger beer in his hand, Ed quietly explained that the stammer had meant that the conversation had taken a lot longer than expected - a flawless excuse I have to say. Going back to bed I found him still there at 7, another Tiger in his hand and a packed rucksack ready to go. I've got to admit that boy never fails to impress me. His lack of sleep showed on the ferry though, when he passed out and fell asleep on an unamused German couple.

Langkawi is going to be our home for the next week or so. Our aim is to lie on the beach and as the island has been declared duty free, beer costing around 25p a can, to partay. We started the partying last night, beginning at Langkawi's only Irish bar (who says we don't soak up the local culture) - owned by a one-armed Malaysian called Debbie. We then headed over to Enigma, a night club in a nearby resort, and what a place it was. Refreshingly we and one older guy were the only white people in there. On stage were a band with a lead singer who gave Tina Turner a run for her money - at one point abandoning her microphone to freestyle hip shake on the dance floor. Her movements were quickly imitated by a very drunk 50 0dd year old Korean man, much to the dismay of the circle of friends sat around him. There we also met the gayest Malay ever, called Wan Dee (I kid you not) who even beat Ed in the hip department when Shakira came on. We also had one of those moments when you see the foreign version of one of your friends. This time it was you Natalie Poole in the form of a Thai masseuse called Catt. Wearing a beret and a fearsome expression she was cutting up some mighty fine moves on the dance floor. I had a boogie with her in your honour Nat. Ed was then approached by the waitress, asking whether he had a girlfriend. With a set of teeth that would make Janet Street-Porter green with envy, she took his answer of no as a come on and arranged to meet him at one armed Debbie's Irish bar tonight at 9 (a meeting that I wouldn't miss for the world)! The night was then duly finished off with someone projectile vomiting red sick all over the dance floor - we love this place! Getting back to ours at 4 in the morning, we went down to the beach and sat back to watch the shooting stars - definitely our best night out so far.

As I write this the time for Ed's date draws ever closer and we have heard rumour of a karaoke bar on the next beach. Loving Langkawi!

What a Glorious Feeling, I'm Happy Again

I'm currently sat on a coach and can't get to sleep as the man to my left (what is it with me, coaches and men to my left?) has struck up a conversation with the curiously high-pitched driver - they obviously haven't seen each other for some time and are hollering down the bus to each other. He smells too. Therefore, I thought I'd write this entry.

We arrived in the Cameron Highlands on Tuesday and I felt alive again. The temperature never rises much above 20 degrees, nor drops below 10, such a relief after the humid weather we've had. An hour after we arrived the heavens opened too, which brought a great big grin to my face, not because it was raining exactly, more because Matt hadn't brought his waterproof out with him and I had. 1-0

We've both really enjoyed the Highlands and the food here has been the best to date. Being such a melting pot the choice of cuisine is fantastic, Banana Leaf curry (Indian), Steamboat (Chinese) and scones with jam and cream (!!!). This wasn't the only evidence we found of the good ol' British Empire and as we walked down one lane we happened across an old English style guesthouse with traditional telephone box outside - photo opportunity number 126.





We spent yesterday with a guide who took us to visit the sights that the Cameron Highlands have to offer. We spent the morning trekking through the jungle where he pointed out what all the plants could be used for; hay fever relief, mosquito repellent and a natural Viagra so that we can "keep our girlfriends very happy" (it'd take more than that me thinks). Seeing as homosexuality is illegal here, we decided it wasn't the right time to divulge that the only women we fine remotely attractive are Barbara Streisand and Elaine Paige - how I miss radio 2 on a Sunday afternoon!





From here we visited a tea plantation and factory, which to this day is owned by a Scottish family. It's Malaysia's largest producer of tea and our mothers would have loved it, proper nice brew. Matt once again humiliated me by telling our guide in his broadest northern accent "I hate tea" and then ordered a Sprite, oh the shame.



Anyhow, the highlight of the day for me came when we visited an Orang Asli (native) family, just outside the jungle. They live a very basic day-by-day existence and once they have enough food for the day, they stop hunting until the next. They have little or no possessions, yet seemed, from an outsiders point of view, to be very happy and content. Whether this is due to the 'good life' or the tobacco based products they chew and smoke I've yet to decide. We were taken into the jungle by Ali and shown how to use a blowpipe to kill animals for food. He beckoned me forward to have a try and so I put down my bag and took aim. His face suddenly changed once he realised he'd handed a lethal dart to someone who shakes almost as much as Judy Finnegan, but have no fear, my first shot hit the target perfectly. It took Matt 3 attempts but he got there in the end. 2-0.


After this we went back to the house, which was made entirely from bamboo, to meet the rest of Ali's family, we ate sugar cane with them, learnt some more about their traditional way of life and then played some instruments and sang.



We've really enjoyed our time in the Highlands and have finally tasted durian (a stinky, cheese-like fruit that is seen as a delicacy but is often banned from hotels because of its vomit like smell) which we quite enjoyed. Half-way through eating mine a monkey crawled up my leg, onto my waist and then snatched it out of my hand - cheeky monkey.

We are now on our way to a place called Georgetown and the man on the bus has stopped shouting and gone to sleep. I'm gonna try and join him, so will stop writing now.

They've Certified Us

I have to admit that the Perhentian Islands are hot, for many days found it completely impossible to do anything except sleep, sit on our porch and read, then eat at night. Sunbathing has not even been an option, I'm not a human crab stick like Ed and I can barely sit out in it. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a complaint, we've had a fantastic time here, for the first time since leaving work we've truly chilled out, relaxed and enjoyed being beach bums. However, the time of doing nothing had to come to an end and finally after talking about it so much we started our PADI open water course. Now Ed is one of life's natural born worriers, he literally screamed when a kitten walked past him the other night, so to do a course which involves breathing under water to depths of 18metres and add into the equation snakes, trigger fish (mean bastards with iron jaws), sting rays and sharks took some guts - and he certainly has one! I was absolutely shitting myself as well when we started out but I have to say that it is one of the best things we have ever done. The course is a mixture of skill based work - swapping breathing apparatus under water, flooding our masks etc - and actual diving. We've now done 4 water dives and have seen phenomenal things from turtles to stingrays - nemo's to puffer fish. In order to get our qualification we also had to take a written theory exam, of course this turned into a serious competition between the two of us. It pains me to the core to type this but with a very respectable result of 94% I was beaten by 2% by the smug twat sat next to me. I haven't heard the last of it since the exam and if I see that smirk one more time. Actually if you add all the mock test results up I would win but I'm not sinking to the childish level...... Anyway in three days we became fully qualified open water divers, given our card by our aptly named teacher Paddy. See below for some photos of our dive experience.

So apart from scuba diving we were also in Malaysia for the 50th anniversary of independence, when Britain handed the country back. Being a Muslim country not many Malays were drinking so we felt it was only respectful to drink for them. So we sat back with a chang beer (big mistake) and watched as people threw cups of petrol on a bonfire and fireworks were set off that didn't all quite make it in a skyward direction - health and safety was definitely not top of the list. Wayward fireworks always seem to act as a method of introduction, people suddenly feel the need to share their personal firework horror stories, such as one guy telling us his teacher was killed when a firework blew up in his face! We met many nice people that night and ended up, in the early hours, sat round the smoldering remains of a bonfire, pretending to be alpha males and hitting the charred logs with a spade to make them glow more. How the girls were impressed.

So that is it for the Perhentian Islands, we leave tomorrow for the Cameron Highlands - a place renowned for its vegetation and tea plantations - as a non tea drinker I simply cannot wait.